Wednesday, October 25, 2023

October's Writers' Showcase: Colin Johnson

 

Colin Johnson

So far in this series, I’ve showcased the talented writers Ruth LotenJane LanganBeck Collett, Ron Hardwick, L.N.Hunter,    Katherine Blessan and Jill Saudek. You can find all these showcases by scrolling back through the material on this blog.

October’s showcase turns the spotlight onto Colin Johnson, who is a member of the Twenty-Twenty Club, a writing group formed by alumni of the cohort of students who graduated from the Open University’s Masters in Creative Writing in 2020. Colin recently won joint First Prize in our ‘Alice In Wonderland’ Competition!


Colin Johnson

Biography

Colin began creative writing with a series of articles in medical magazines. After a forty-year gap (writing many scientific papers, chapters and reviews), he resumed his ambition to write short stories. Like a beginner in any activity, he needed training in the techniques, so he enrolled for an MA at the OU. There he met many creative and supportive writers, including the other members of the 20-20 Club. He is one of the contributors to their upcoming Anthology Words From Wonderland [published by Castle Priory - website @www.castlepriorypress.com. They are aiming for publication on the 14th of November but keep an eye on their social media @c.p.press on Instagram and @CP_Press on Twitter for updates].


Cover for 'Words From Wonderland', an anthology of writing by the 20-20 Club


Colin is primarily interested in character, and the relationships between characters, as the driving forces of a narrative. His main motivation is creating short stories, but one idea has led him into a novel, now in the final stages of editing.

His stories have been published in Earlyworks Anthology [2019]. Lymington Anthology [2020], and online in Turnpike [January, 2020] and Makarelle [2022] .

His most exciting experience as a writer was winning a competition for a story to celebrate 300 years since Keats stayed in Winchester, during which time he wrote ‘Ode To Autumn’. Colin’s piece, ‘The Picking Party’, was read and dramatized at a celebratory event at Winchester Theatre Royal, in September 2019.

His publications are listed here:  

https://lymingtonwriters.wordpress.com/about/colin-johnson/



Colin with a hand-drawn birthday card made by his wife, Anne.

******

 

Here are two extracts from Colin’s work….

 

Single vision


Nice of you to come, mate. Thanks.

It started when we was on holiday – Malaga – nice place, plenty of sunshine, even in October.

 Yeah, we got back just before this new lockdown. Started while we was there. I could see okay most of the time – the hotel pool, people in the bar, the bar staff. I could still read the labels on the bottles lined up at the back. So at first, I just rubbed me eyes a bit, and had another beer. Don’t worry, I said to myself. Relax. Unwind.

Hard to unwind though, if you can’t take it all in – the people swimming, the girls in their bikinis. The women laughing together underneath a sunshade.

Don’t get me wrong, I was still enjoying sitting by the pool. It was just the people – well, it was odd.

Not a lot of staff in the hotel. Couldn’t figure it out – the room was done each morning, nice as you like, but I never saw a cleaner. Same in the restaurant, hardly anybody working. The waiter on our table every night was fine, though – cheerful, always a little joke and a smile. Left him a decent tip.

Coming home, it was worse. When we checked in at the airport, I was all ready with the passports, put them down on the desk. Thought the girl must’ve gone to get something. It seemed like there was no one there, then she asked me to put a bag on the belt. That threw me, I can tell you. I felt a real wally, waiting to be asked to do that, then looking round to see who had spoken, before I picked up the bag. My face went all hot, then, and it weren’t the sunburn.

Well, I didn’t tell Barbara, did I?. No need to worry her, not then. But I could tell it was gettin’ worse. Even she was gettin’ a bit fuzzy.

On the way home, I couldn’t hardly see the cabin crew. There was just a grey blur where their faces and shoulders should’ve been. Makes you wonder, something like that, what’s going on.

Couldn’t ask for nothing on the plane, didn’t have nothing to eat, not even a drink. I just couldn’t work out how you talk to a voice, when you can’t see where it’s coming from.

 

A couple of days after we got home, we were sitting watching the news – that’s when I told Barbara. Had to, didn't I? She made some comment about that Emily woman that reads the headlines, you know, before the specialists come on and explain what's really happened. Barbara said her neckline was a bit low for the BBC, wasn't it?

She always gets huffy, if I say someone on TV has a short skirt or a good figure, like I’m not supposed to notice stuff like that. But it's okay for Barbara to find fault with their necklines.

‘I can't see nothing wrong with it, love,’ I said. ‘In fact, I can't see her at all.’

Well, the shit hit the fan then, didn't it?

–  How long’s it been going on?

–  Why haven't you told me?

–  Could I see her, Barbara?

To tell the truth, mate, her face was all blurred out, but her outline was clear, so I blagged it a bit. Told her I could see her okay, but I'd still go down to the optician next day.

Well, they put me straight. Loss of sight, that's an emergency.

Barbara was out, of course. Coffee with friends, as usual, every Tuesday morning. God knows what they find to talk about, week after week. Thought I'd better not drive, not with eye problems, so I walked round to the doctor’s and explained to the receptionist – or to the grey cloud floating there, where I knew she was sitting. Then I waited for an emergency appointment with the GP registrar. Nice chap, sharp dresser, none of that stubbly beard some of them have these days. Seemed to know what's what.

‘Eyes,’ he said, looking right at me. ‘need specialist care.’

‘Get to the Eye Hospital quick as you can,’ he said.

He sounded like a school teacher talking to a slow learner. ‘You need to go to the Eye Hospital now. I'll call you a taxi.’

Well, I've been called some funny things in my life, but I wasn't gonna to tell him that. I was holding onto that chair so hard, my knuckles cracked. I could feel the plastic cover, cold and sweaty in my hands.

‘You really need to get there now,’ the doc said again.

 

At the hospital, everything happened real fast. Lights in the eyes. Up to the ward. Scan. Fancier scan. All this Corona virus going on, and they were giving me the red carpet treatment.

When they’d done all the tests, the consultant herself come to see me. The nurse had just brought a plate of macaroni cheese for my tea. Smelt good, too, but now it was going cold. The grey cloud was telling me what they’d found. My eyes were okay, the problem was in my brain. Some fancy name, she gave it. Agynopsia, I think she said.

There’s me, shit-scared I’m going blind, and she’s giving me some medical bullshit, and saying it’s all in my head. If I could’ve seen her face, I might have had a better chance of working out what was going on.

Calm voice, she had, though. Firm.

She told me how your brain has like a screen on each side, at the back of your head. Pictures from both eyes go to both screens. Then some fancy wiring matches them up – so you can see 3-D. Complicated, ain't it? Well, in my brain, they'd found this ‘abnormal activity’ next to my right ear. She reckoned it was sending out signals that spoiled the pictures.

By now I was in a right state, I can tell you. The old ticker took off like Usain Bolt on speed. I started with the heavy breathing. Then I was smacking the side of my head, hard, with my hand.

‘Please don’t do that,’ she said, ‘it won't help.’ And she took a hold of my wrist. I saw her hand before it went blurry – I hadn’t realised ‘til then, she was Indian or something. Sounded English, see?

So, like she explained, the only treatment is surgery. On my brain. They can't cut out the place where the interference starts. Too big, too deep inside.

The way she put it, I've got a choice. I gotta decide.  I can wait, see if things get better. Or I can let them try and fix it.

What’s that, mate?  Yeah, they can try, she said. No guarantees.

They can cut the wiring that crosses over, left to right and right to left. That way, she says, one eye, one screen. The other eye, the other screen.

Or I can wait and see, maybe try some tablets. It might get better. She didn’t sound hopeful. I reckon they’re as much in the dark as me.

Sounds simple, don’t it? But it ain’t.

Yeah, I can see you’ve got that. Makes you think, though, don’t it? The world’d be a funny old place without any women. If you’d asked me a month ago, how I’d feel if I never saw Barbara again – well, I might have laughed, and taken a shot at that, y’know. But not now. Now I seen her turn into a grey cloud – well, it ain’t right.

Oh, thanks love. Gasping for a cuppa. You got one for matey here? Lovely stuff, thanks.

Which one was that, mate? All I seen was the cup appearing on top of the locker, and I heard the footsteps. Couldn’t tell you if it were the cleaner or the ward sister.

 

I'd like to know what that doc was thinking, you know, when she told me – but I couldn't see her face, could I? It's a fifty-fifty chance, she says. Depends which screen my brain decides to look at. It’ll make a quick choice, then it’ll stick to that side, always.

One side normal. The other side all these grey blanks.

‘Think about it,’ she said. ‘I’ll come back tomorrow.’

I tried to talk it over with Barbara. She sounded like she had tears in her eyes. I couldn't see. Dunno if she was hopeful or afraid. She squeezed my hand, but the rest of her was a blur.

 

Well, thanks for coming, mate. It’s been good to talk to you. No, don’t say no more. It’s up to me. I gotta decide.  I can wait and see. It might get better. If I go for it, it's fifty-fifty. Cure or permanent.

 


The Picking Party 

‘Good,’ said Tony. ‘We pick tomorrow.’

They rose in the night, to clean fermentation tanks, fill bacon baguettes, make coffee. The picking began as soon as they could see, before the sun brought welcome heat for stiff fingers. A haze hung above them, then disappeared.

Sophie had helped Tony with the planting, for eight days that first March, in the rain and the wind. Cold, cold fingers. Bend, push a stick into the ground, one step, bend

Pruning was worse – whole days bent over the low vines. The February cold ate into her soul. She had wondered if they would ever make any wine.

 

People came to see them in the summer, of course. ‘Oh, vines! How romantic, can we do anything?’ But summer is for spraying, and Tony drove the tractor.

She had worried how they would manage, alone, for their first full harvest. The professionals have machines, but Tony wanted to pick by hand. They couldn’t afford a team of Moroccans, so she had posted photos of vine flowers on Instagram, and emailed her family. Jo and Michael called immediately – ‘Could we come in September? When exactly do you…’   Emma offered to bring her sister…

 

Sophie moved along her row, gathering heavy dark bunches, each blue-black grape dusted with a bloom of yeast.

At two, they stopped for lunch. Crusty white bread from the village, fragrant goat’s cheese, saucisson smelling of mushrooms and ripe flesh.

‘How much more to pick?’ she asked Tony.

He looked up at her quickly, then smiled. ‘It’s all done, Sophie. It’s all in!’

 

In the tanks, grapes ooze juice, skins release purple aromas of plums and blackcurrant. In the orange glow of evening, twelve workers unite over stew and stories. Laughter echoes from the trees. They talk of fermentation, maturation, sheltered winter stillness. They will return.



Massif Du Luberon [Colin Johnson]

 

******


And finally we come to The Big

 Interview, where Colin kindly answers 

writing-related questions and lets us 

into some of his writing secrets...

 

How old were you when you first knew you wanted to be a writer, and what set you off down that journey?

Well, that’s a tough one for a starter! Tough because I can’t answer with a number. At school and university, I wrote a lot of essays in science subjects. I enjoyed the process of understanding the material and assembling it in a logical, pleasing order.

            But creative writing – that began with a brief flirtation in my twenties. I wrote 400 words I can now call CNF, published in the British Medical Journal on their Materia Non Medica page, and I was hooked. After that, I wrote several pieces for World Medicine, a monthly aimed at doctors who liked to think about, and laugh at, their profession. I still have the cartoon of overbearing examiners, drawn by Graham Garden, that was printed with a collection of funny stories that happened in oral exams.

Then postgraduate exams and arduous on-call rotas intervened, and I had to get on the publishing treadmill, producing surgical research papers to build my CV. I never lost the excitement of seeing my name on a printed page, and I learned the importance of precision and concision – how to edit for maximum clarity. That stays with me in fiction.

As I approached retirement, I began thinking again about creative writing. I’ve always loved short stories, since reading Maupassant for A level. Stories by Tessa Hadley, Hemingway, Ali Smith, Graham Swift and others were inspiring, but I needed to learn how to master this art. Back to school, and then the OU.

 

Tell us about the books and writers that have shaped your life and your writing career.

Any short story I read shows me a little more about how it’s done. Finding Wendy Erskine was mind-opening. I love her oblique narratives, the way she creates ambiguity – Does that mean? … Or is it…? When I have tried to use her approach of writing maybe 14000 words, then editing it down to 4000 – well, it does create density of meaning and it leaves a lot of gaps that the reader can fill.  I must mention DBC Pierre’s Release the Bats: Writing Your Way Out of It which is partly a writing manual, partly autobiography. I read this before I had heard the phrase ‘Show don’t tell’ and that is exactly what the book does. Brilliant. Entertaining.

 

Have your children, other family members, friends or teachers inspired any of your writing? In what way?

My first published story, A Violin for Mary, was given to me by a friend – at least some bare facts were. I filled in the substantial gaps from my imagination – it is definitely a work of fiction. (published in Unsafe Spaces – Earlyworks Anthology 2019).




Cover of  'Unsafe Spaces' anthology - fading and shadowing effect is a feature of original cover.


On the CNF module at the OU, I wrote about a friend who left the UK to live in India, when ashram life was fashionable. We lost touch, then he appeared in my inbox one day about ten years ago. That was probably the only useful contact I made through my (employing) university webpage. He was due to visit the UK, so he came to stay with us for a couple of days. I had written to him in 1979 that I’d made some wine from mulberries on a tree near my flat, and I’d keep a bottle for when we met next. I still had it. It tasted vile.

I tried to write the story of his progress from the ashram to Alaska to California where he now runs a landscaping company staffed by “illegals”. That piece of writing turned out to be fiction too, and I haven’t tried again to write CNF.

 

Does the place you live have any impact on your writing? Is there another place that inspires you to write?

I’m really much more interested in character and relationships than place. That said, while I can invent places, or combine two or more to suit the narrative, my short story A New Life is deeply interwoven with the sense of place. On a short Word Factory course, Cathy Galvin encouraged us to build a story from a found object, and to develop the sense of place. The setting of that story is a place I love, and I tried to make it an additional character.

 

 

Massif Du Luberon [Colin Johnson]

 

How would you describe your own writing? Do you tend to write in a particular genre, style or form?

Within the world of writing and publishing, I think I probably fit in ‘Accessible Literary’. Saying that to people outside the writing world can sound a little pretentious, and, if you aren’t in a book club, then ‘Book Club Fiction’ is meaningless. I write fiction, which is not in any specific genre.

 

Are there certain themes that draw you to them when you are writing?

Relationships. Power (im)balances between people, and how individuals manage conflicts feature strongly in my novel, which I hope is in its final draft.

 

Tell us about how you approach your writing. Are you a planner or a pantser?

I like to identify a conflict or challenge, and see how the character(s) respond, so I need to know a lot about the characters before I start. I don’t plan a whole story. Often it will develop from a single scene. For me, an important part of the process is thinking about what is happening in the scene, consciously and unconsciously, before starting to write. So I might jot down 300-500 words, then leave it for a week or two. Something happens in my brain while I’m not focused on the story, and one day I sit down and write a longer chunk…

 

Do you have any advice for someone who might be thinking about starting to write creatively?

Don’t think about it. Do it.

And sign up for some long-term, high-quality learning.

 

What do you think is the value of writing groups?

Peer review is an essential part of publishing academic research, so I am well used to receiving and giving it. Friendly feedback from other writers is very similar, and I value it enormously. Maybe the academic experience has helped me deal with negatives, but almost all the feedback from other writers comes with an obvious desire to help and improve the writing. It is invaluable.

I began creative writing at a face-to-face writing class at a local college, which was a good start, and which I remained part of until recently. The best feedback comes from two groups that share work by email, both of which have come out of MA courses at the OU and elsewhere. I have good writing friends in both groups, and look forward to their thoughts on my work, although I have only met two of them in the flesh.

One group sends work, and comments on two pieces, every month. During the pandemic, we started monthly Zoom meetings, to talk about writing, or to read and discuss stories. This helped us get to know each other better, and the meetings have continued. But the main value is in the reviews we receive on work in progress.

 

What do you think you learned from the Open University’s MA in Writing course, and other such courses?

I studied for an MA at the OU. After part 1, there was very little information about Part 2, except the cost – about twice the cost of the first year, so I postponed signing up for that until I knew that I needed to do it. I still haven’t decided, and my student registration remains open.

I’ve done several short courses, and workshops, to cover specific aspects, and enjoyed the Fish Short Story course. The Word Factory is a great place to get insights into how first-class writers put together their stories, and Jericho Writers is a huge resource of writing technique and publishing information. Lots of Jericho is free, and you can pay for full access when you need it.

                

What do you think about getting feedback on your work from other writers and/or non-writers?

I act upon suggestions made by feedbackers or beta-readers whenever they are right, or have spotted something that has niggled me but which I hadn’t changed – which I still do too often.

Sometimes a reader misunderstands, or hasn’t picked up on something earlier that is relevant, so it may mean an edit elsewhere. And sometimes (especially with commas) I’ve written it that way because I want to write it like that.

 

If you have experience of self-publishing, what have been its challenges and rewards?  Do you have any advice for anyone who is thinking of starting their own literary journal, or self-publishing their own work?

I self-published an Anthology of short stories, hoping to raise funds for a Community Centre. We covered the costs. After all the mechanics of page layout and proofing, cover design, and so on, you need time, energy and skill to market the product.

The consensus seems to be that self-pub works for genre fiction (historical, crime, sci-fi). Success often goes to writers who produce a series, and who love online networking. I’m going to stick to competitions for stories, and trying to get an agent for my novel.



Where do you get your ideas from?

If I knew that, I’d go there every day! Louise inspired my story Alice in Lyndhurst, when she suggested writing something related to Alice in Wonderland. The model for Alice lived in Lyndhurst after she married, and is buried in the churchyard there (see photos below). As soon as Louise suggested the topic, I knew I wanted to write her story.






Sometimes an idea comes from people talking about their friends or family, sometimes from a place or an object, sometimes from a prompt in a competition or writing group. Recently, in Jazz à Minuit, I put together two characters from my novel who hadn’t met in any existing draft, just to see what would happen between them.

 

They say that successful writers need to be selfish. How far do you agree with this? 

Maybe prolific writers need to be selfish with their time, to get all the writing done. Harper Lee was hugely successful on a list of one novel. But in general, anyone who rises to the national/international level has to be self-motivated and self-sufficient, whether they are in politics, business, sport – or writing.

I write for pleasure, when I can find time. The satisfaction comes from a story that feels complete. Competition success (when it happens) is a delicious extra.

So really, I fit the writing into the gaps between the demands of family and other activities.

 

Beyond your family and your writing, what other things do you do?

I have always enjoyed running, on and off the footpaths of the New Forest. After I retired, I joined a running group at the local triathlon club. We run every Friday morning, then have coffee and cake. It’s great to add a social side to a fairly solitary sport. I used to play cricket, too, but now I make do with watching England on TV.

 

Would you describe yourself as a ‘cultured’ person?

I enjoy the theatre, and used to go regularly to the Nuffield Theatre in Southampton. They had a varied programme of classics and modern plays, and it is sadly missed. Amateur dramatics was a big thing for me over many years, ranging from A Midsummer’s Night Dream to A Streetcar Named Desire. I especially enjoyed playing a camp reindeer in a  Christmas play.

I read general fiction, but usually avoid defined genre fiction. I enjoy intelligent writing, illuminating imagery and characters that are complex. Books with too many pages and too many adverbs usually fail to hold my attention.

The most ‘literary’ thing I’ve written is probably Single Vision [reproduced in the ‘example of writer’s work’ section above] which contains an extended metaphor of partial blindness that prevented the narrator seeing half the population. It appeared online in Makarelle.  

 

Are you interested in history and if so does it impact on your writing?

The answer to almost all these questions is No. but I do think that a story is usually improved – made more believable – by authentic incidental cultural references.

 

There is a lot of talk at the moment. in the publishing world and elsewhere, about political correctness, the Woke movement, cultural appropriation, ‘cancel culture’, ‘trigger warnings’, sensitivity readers and the importance of diversity. What are your thoughts on this, with regard to writing?

Lemn Cissay addressed this point at Winchester Writers Festival a few years ago. He looked at examples of writing across cultural divides, making the point that the important authenticity is in the writing. If you know the culture and understand the people, then you can write well about them.

Think for a moment: How many female authors have written about male protagonists?

I would not try to write a character of an indigenous Brazilian woman – I don’t think I’ve ever met one. But I’m happy to write British woman characters, from a variety of backgrounds. Perhaps the key is that if the reader finds it authentic, then it’s okay.

As Lemn Cissay said, being creative involves imagining how another person thinks and reacts. It’s what we writers do. Sensitivity readers are/should be part of the process of getting it right.


Where would you place your own writing, on a continuum with PURE FANTASY at one end and COMPLETE REALISM at the other?

I am far too literal-minded to write fantasy. It is hard enough to build a character and a conflict, without having to imagine a different reality as well. As a reader, I prefer to find out about people solving their problems in ways that I recognise, without recourse to mythical beings or superpowers. Good writing (including the best in any genre) usually involves character and conflict.

 

If you have anything else you’d like to tell us, not covered by these questions, feel free to add it here.

Phew! You’ve asked it all! But I’d like to add that my most exciting experience as a writer was winning an open competition for a story to celebrate 300 years since Keats stayed in Winchester, when he wrote Ode to Autumn. It was spine-tingling to hear my words and see them dramatized at Winchester Theatre Royal, in September 2019. The Picking Party [See ‘example of writing’ section above].

 

 *****


Thank you very much, Colin, for a fascinating showcase. 



In November, I will showcase 

the wonderful writer and member of the 

20-20 Club

Sue Davnall

Not to be missed!

 

 

 


Saturday, October 14, 2023

PUBLICATION UPDATE

 My story 'Bang!' has been accepted by Talk Vomit, for their Fall 2023 edition.

Mid-month Musings - October

The Great Oven-Cleaning Saga Of 2023

Our oven has stopped working. It probably just needs a new element. My friend has given me the address of a local company which mends household appliances. They might also be able to mend the two gas rings on the hob that don't work and fit us a new fan in the downstairs toilet. So then all we'd need to fix is the kitchen taps... Our house is a never-ending minor disaster zone.

However, nothing is as simple as it sounds, is it?  When I looked at the oven properly - ie, not with my Awareness Level turned down to just a tad more than minimum - I realised it was disgustingly filthy. It didn't smell - the grime was burnt on. I couldn't expect an engineer to mess around in that muck so I needed to clean it.


                                        
                                                                      Days one and two


It's taken about ten days. And it's still not perfect.

Cleaning the oven has involved buying three bottles of specialist oven cleaning fluid that needs leaving on overnight, during which it turns the burnt-on grime into an utterly repulsive jellylike substance resembling the snot that came out of my nose after my first trip to London as a child. Each time I scraped away a layer of this awful stuff, it revealed yet another layer! 


  

Day eight


I discovered on the second day that you could take out the glass panels from the door, which made cleaning the door much easier, but it also meant the door had to be held open with one hand or by balancing something heavy on it, which didn't help with the task at all.

I also bought some of those bags for the racks where you pour in cleaning fluid and leave them overnight, then you can rinse off the melted gunk easily next day. That's the theory anyway. It took THREE bags and three nights, and the racks still aren't entirely burnt-on-gunk-free.

I also bought oven-cleaning sponges, a toothbrush-type thing for the nooks and crannies, rubber gloves and arm protectors - in retrospect, it would probably have been cheaper to just have it cleaned professionally, or even just buy a new bloody oven.

Anyway, It's done now and is just airing before I try to fit the shelf holders back into their slots in the sides and the glass panels back into their slots in the door [you just know they're not going to slot back in easily, don't you? - my sister has already had to show me how to fit the rubber seal back round the edges of the oven, as I couldn't find the tiny holes the little hooks fit into!].


   

Today - ta-dah!


The Diet

Just before I set off for the weekly Slimming World meetings, I find myself having weird thoughts. Should I cut my hair and fingernails? Trim my eyebrows? Do my shoes weigh more than the sandals I've worn up until recently, and if so would I look odd wearing sandals in an October rainstorm? In fact, how much does rainwater weigh? Is a long-sleeved T Shirt heavier than a flimsy polyester shirt? Should I take my earrings out - well, they're gold-plated and gold is heavy, isn't it?

Yes, despite the sensible part of my brain telling me I'm being absurd, I find myself nevertheless being sucked into the insanity of dieting. I think too much focus on your weight is unhealthy, and yet the Slimming World ethos is rubbing off on me. When you're weighed every week by a stranger, it rapidly becomes the focus of your emotional life. 




A fortnight ago, I was told I'd put on 1.5lbs, despite sticking strictly to the diet and doing aerobics exercise four times that week, and I was catapulted into the doldrums of disappointment. I was in fact quite shocked by how much of an impact this had on my emotional equilibrium, because I know that how fat I am doesn't really translate into how good a person I am. Yet, you just can't help that gnawing feeling of failure, can you?




I looked at the pattern of my weight loss since I began The Diet and discovered that every three or four weeks my weight has stayed the same or, on this one occasion, gone up. I know I get water-retention. I always have done and it used to make my weight increase, sometimes dramatically, when I was younger and went to Weightwatchers. So you'd think I would simply think 'Hey, it's just fluid-retention and I'll be back on track next week'. But I'm now post-menopausal and I didn't think I'd still get fluid-retention (even though I had all the other symptoms). Anyway, the following week, I'd lost 3lb, which clearly suggested the fluid-retention was over, and I went back to feeling good about myself.

I don't want my self-esteem to be linked solely to how many pounds I've lost that week. That way madness lies. But Slimming Clubs foster this mindset. So far, I've been given three certificates, two for being Slimmer Of The Week [thank god I didn't stay for the meetings, as I'd have gone home with a box of random veg] and one for losing a stone. I've tried saying 'Oh, please don't bother with that, I really don't....' before they glare at me and thrust the certificate into my hands as if it's part of some unspoken contract. 'Of course you want the certificate,' their eyes seem to say, 'not to mention the occasional stickers, because obviously you're a seven year old child...'. 

That's what dieting does for you. It turns you into a child relying on authority figures and arbitrary measurements for your sense of worth.

But I still need to lose weight. I'm feeling better for losing what I have lost so far, and the diet seems to be working, on the whole. So I will plough on. But I'm really going to try to change this weird mindset Slimming Clubs suck you into - one of competitiveness and seeing fat as 'bad'. You start to judge yourself and others by this single factor - how much excess fat are we carrying around? They use the language of support and encouragement, but their sole purpose is to help their members lose weight and they know what works. 

I have to keep reminding myself that Fat doesn't equal Bad Person, and that being obese doesn't make you a victim or a criminal. We live in a country where being fat is virtually an inevitability for most people. Humans have evolved to store fat to help them get through times of famine, which we in the developed world are very fortunate not to have to face. Some of us do it better than others. Being fat doesn't make you a glutton, and not losing any weight one week while you're dieting doesn't make you a feckless waste of space.

This week, I put on half a pound, despite being fairly strict all week. Bugger it, I thought, as I drove to my favourite Indian restaurant for a takeaway. Tonight I'm having an evening off.

I ate a bakewell tart today. It's a downward slope to more self-loathing....







Adventures In Culture

As you know, 2023 is my Year of Culture. I've seen opera, ballet, musical theatre, and - I admit it! - a few tribute acts. My latest experience was seeing Matthew Bourne's version of the ballet Romeo & Juliet, at Sheffield's Lyceum Theatre.




I'm a big fan of Matthew Bourne and his company, New Adventures In Motion Pictures. I enjoyed Nutcracker! [Lyceum] and Car Man [Young Vic], both of which I believe were produced by the earlier incarnation of his company, Adventures in Motion Pictures. He emerged at a point in history where ballet  was becoming staid and losing its popular appeal, and he injected a burst of energy and showmanship, humour and novelty into it, attracting audiences of people who had not been typical ballet-fanatics previously. 

        Romeo & Juliet was well-attended. The theatre was packed to the gills. The audience was vociferous in its shouts of praise as the dancers took their final curtain call. But I have to say that neither myself nor P were completely convinced by the performance and choreography this time.

        Shakespeare's play has been reinterpreted many times and I think this is an excellent thing, though this particular reinterpretation seemed to be only tangentially connected to the original play. Maybe if it had been called something different [as with West Side Story], we would have taken our seats in the dress circle with more open minds, but, as it used Prokofiev's famous score [the best thing about this production], I suppose it had to acknowledge its origins.

        The action took place in some sort of institution, though it was unclear whether this was a 1950s asylum for the mentally ill, a prison or a futuristic place where non-conformists were incarcerated. The inmates were all young and were segregated by gender except during closely supervised official events. Friar Laurence was transformed into a female vicar who tried to help these young people; Tybalt was a vicious guard who abused Juliet; Benvolio, Mercutio and Balthazar were friends who supported each other inside the institution - Benvolio and Balthazar were lovers; Paris was a female friend of Juliet's. Romeo was a young man with strange behaviours whose wealthy, politically-aspirational parents placed him in the institution presumably to avoid him embarrassing them and damaging their campaign. 

        So, contemporary issues of same-sex relationships, sexual predators, power conflicts, the treatment of the mentally-ill or anyone deemed to be an outsider, and corrupt politicians were all incorporated. 

        Romeo and Juliet fall in love, though they might have been any two young people falling in love - there was little to suggest any social barrier between Romeo's family and Juliet's. The barrier was entirely external, comprising the strict rules and controlling nature of the institution itself and possibly the jealousy of the abusive guard. After a dance organised by the kindly chaplain - a dance which appeared to end in a sexual frenzy - the two lovers showed their intense feelings for each other. They are subsequently married by the chaplain in a secret ceremony but afterwards there is a dramatic scene where the guard stabs Mercutio - or does he shoot him? I am already forgetting, and I only saw it last night! -  and then Romeo [and Juliet too] strangle the guard with his belt. This is all very dramatic and effectively choreographed, but the young murderer doesn't appear to be put on trial - instead he is kept in the institution in confinement. 

        However, in one of the best scenes, the chaplain sneaks Juliet into his room so they can consummate their marriage and Juliet hallucinates seeing the abusive guard and stabs Romeo, believing him to be this guard. In a rather ridiculous climax, Romeo, despite having experienced what looks like a wound to his femoral artery, manages to dance a pas-de-deux with Juliet during which he picks her up repeatedly - she then stabs herself, giving herself a wound that seems identical to his, yet she dies immediately. They are laid on a slab together and that's where it ends - no reconciliation between warring houses, no justice or outcries against the system or anything that would raise this story above the run of tragic love stories.  

        Nevertheless, we could have coped with this problematic storyline, had it not been for the rather lacklustre choreography. There were good bits, but it seemed a bit tired and samey. There were lots of messing about with chairs and beds, and some passionate love scenes, and the music was brilliant, but we actually felt that the dancing sometimes lacked sharpness. I actually thought the dancers of the Northern Ballet's Great Gatsby production which I saw earlier in the year were better, but I suspect it was the choreography as much as anything that was a bit off, as the main duo were clearly excellent dancers.



Also, our seats were very uncomfortable. The Lyceum is a beautiful old theatre, restored in the 1980s, but its seats are quite narrow and not as soft as they might be. This is a problem with a lot of old theatres. They were designed for thinner and less spoiled people - audiences who hadn't experienced the comfort of modern theatres like the National or even The Crucible, and who certainly hadn't experienced the comparative luxury of a modern multiplex cinema. It was also very hot. Why don't they open the bloody doors? Traditional theatres vary in the amount of leg-room and the size of the individual seats, but most are fairly uncomfortable in my experience. And we were sitting in some of the most expensive seats in the house, yet we still had a very slightly restricted view. Under such conditions, you've got to be fully-absorbed by the performance in order to overcome the discomfort.

Other productions I've seen this Summer:

The Mikado and Pirates of Penzance at Buxton Opera House - both wonderful, and the seats were more comfy too, though still not as good as they could be.

Another tribute to Simon and Garfunkel, this time at the Winding Wheel Theatre in Chesterfield - we enjoyed it, but we both thought the one we saw earlier in the year at Cast in Doncaster was a little better. However, we liked the Winding Wheel Theatre and we went with two friends we hadn't seen for ages, which was lovely.