Mail-Order Bride
In my ever-more-depressing quest to find an outfit to wear on The Big Day, and also as part of our general house reburbishment, I have been ordering and returning so many items online that I’m sure our neighbours – not to mention the delivery people – think I must be considerably more wealthy than I appear to be, in terrible debt and/or I have a shopping addiction.
In fact, it
has reached the point where it now gives me a weird giddy sensation each time I
order something – strip out the frisson of guilt and it must be how rich people
feel all the time.
Of course,
the vast majority of these items are returned to the stores, which in itself is
an act that varies considerably in stress-level. Some stores simply include a
sticky-backed returns label and a simple form on which you indicate the reason
for your return by means of a code number. You then just repack the item in its
original packaging, stick on the label and take it to the post office or
courier service. Others require you to also inform them by email or via your
account on their website, which is a pain if you don’t have an account as you
then have to set one up. Sometimes they forget to include the Returns label or
the Returns form, or you have to print off your label and stick it to your
package with sellotape. And I sent P to the post office so many times when I
was giving away my Terry Pratchett books (see last blog post) that he’s considering eloping with the postmistress.
What I have
found is that I am much more likely to buy from a store which makes it very
easy to return stuff, particularly if they also make it very easy to buy the
stuff in the first place. This is why Amazon is so successful. Once they have
your card details, you can buy with a click of the mouse or the press of a
finger against a screen. When I was young, the idea that you could buy new
books for your Kindle while lying in bed in the middle of the night with
insomnia would have been a source of fabulous wonderment. It is incredible,
really – and horrifying too – that, if you have a sudden yearning for a biscuit
tin decorated with an etching of a 1920s Orient Express, you can probably buy
it while sitting on the loo in your friend’s en suite. I hate the fact that
Amazon pays so little tax and puts so many people out of business – but, boy,
is it convenient!
I’ve had
problems with delivery people who don’t understand what a bin-shed is, or who
leave parcels on the doorstep – we live on a main road and such parcels are
ripe for pilfering. But I have to say that so far none has gone missing. I’ve
also been refunded all the money for items I have returned, thank goodness –
though every time I return something, I get the nagging suspicion that I’ll
never actually get the money back. I am in fact deeply impressed by the
efficiency of courier services and the Royal Mail – you don’t realise how great
they are until you have to use them a lot. The email and text messages online
companies send can be weird though: I recently had one telling me that the
‘first package’ in an order was on its way, which alarmed me as all I’d ordered
was a mattress topper!
So where am I now with regard to The Wedding Outfit? In a perfect world, I would be intending to wear the beautiful midnight-blue velvet wraparound dress I bought (online from Bombshell) two months ago, but I don’t live in a perfect world. The dress just about fits me, as the wraparound design gives it some flexibility, but it would definitely look better if I lost weight. The neckline is a bit too plunging, so even with the ‘body-improving’ underwear (bought online from M&S), including the push-up bra, I would still need to pin it together to avoid an embarrassing nip-slip. Incidentally, I was quite impressed by my decolletage in the push-up bra – the bra might be extremely uncomfortable, but feeling like someone is trying to saw through your rib-cage is a small price to pay for suddenly having an eye-catching bosom!
I tried the dress on the other day with the
glittery champagne-coloured stiletto-heeled sling-backs I bought (online from
Paradox) and it was the right length and, from the front at least, it looked
pretty good. However, from the side and back I looked like one of those cottage
loaves made from two fat rolls of bread (the smaller one stuck on top of the
larger one).
There is no way I’ll lose enough weight by 21
December to make a useful dent in that blubber, sadly. I lost two stone last
year, after learning I was pre-diabetic, but I have gradually put most of it
back on over the summer this year. A month ago I went back on the diet and I
was very strict – for a fortnight I ate three small, low-calorie,
low-carbohydrate meals a day, and I felt hungry constantly. At the end, I
weighed myself and I’d put on 7lb!!! This was so depressing that I immediately
gave up! The ‘giving up’ coincided with a two-day trip to Northumberland, our
only holiday since 2019, during which we spent most of our time in restaurants
and teashops due to the permanent heavy rainfall (we’re rain-gods – we have had
summer holidays in Cornwall during thick fog or thunderstorms), so I ate too
much then.
Alnwick beach, Northumberland, late October
For the
past fortnight, though I haven’t exactly been stuffing my face, I haven’t
exactly been cutting down much either. I weighed myself yesterday, out of
interest, and I’d put on a further 5lb! So, if these scales are to be believed,
I have become 12lb heavier during the past four weeks while either dieting
strictly or eating a modest amount of food and an occasional treat. I admit
that I haven’t done much exercise during that period, but I still suspect the
scales just aren’t working properly!
Anyway, if
I’m not going to wear the blue velvet frock, I need an alternative, so I’ve
gone back to my original idea of wearing a trouser suit of some sort. I have
decided on navy blue trousers and top and an ivory jacket. I bought the jacket
(John Lewis online) some time ago – it’s one of those floaty loose-fitting
things which are longer at the back than the front and don’t fasten, made of
chiffon or some such. They look great on tall, willowy models in photos but not
so good on short, fat women, but needs must. After many, many online purchases
and returns, I have three pairs of potential trousers – one has a chiffon
over-layer so it looks dressy, one is a kind of crepe material and the other is
a bog-standard M&S pair in a thin material. They are all too long so need
shortening.
Buying the top has been a nightmare, however. Many places claim to have perfect-looking tops but then it turns out they only have one size 8 in stock. I’ve bought several which only go up to the size below what I really am, but which I have bought on the slim chance that a miracle will occur and I’ll fit into them or maybe they’ll be made slightly big. All of those have had to go back, though I kept one which I thought might be nice if I did lose weight (ha!). I even bought a sleeveless navy-blue vest made out of t-shirt material to wear if all else failed! I have now ordered a navy blue chiffon top from Evans which, if it ever arrives, should look appropriate – I’ve ordered three sizes to ensure one fits! The ivory jacket would look better if it was a thicker material, but I should at least feel comfy in this outfit. It looks much like what I wear for work! Except that, not being a drag-queen (if only I looked that good!), I don’t wear glitter-covered stiletto-heeled slingbacks for work.
So, visualize this: I’ll probably be wearing
navy-blue, loose, dressy trousers with a loose, navy-blue sleeveless top, and
an ivory floaty jacket. I’ll be carrying a bouquet of blue and white flowers
(blue thistles, white roses, eucalyptus leaves, apparently). I’ll be wearing
the aforementioned glittery champagne-coloured stiletto-heeled slingbacks. I’ll
be having my hair ‘put up’ in some fashion by the nice hairdresser I mentioned
in a previous post and I have two ‘hair vines’ (one with gold leaves and tiny
pearls on it and the other with larger pearls) which the hairdresser thinks she
will be able to twist together and thread through my hair. I’ll be wearing drop
earrings with three pearls on them, and a necklace consisting of several strings
of pearls loosely twisted together. And I’ll be wearing make-up and a new pair
of glasses which I am collecting next week. So I should also be able to at
least see what’s going on, having recently had a long-overdue eye-test.
I won’t
look great. I’ll look like a short, fat woman in her fifties who is trying
hard, but who should have lost more weight by now. But speaking as someone who
has been having sleepless nights thinking about what I’m going to do if I can’t
find anything to wear, I’m just grateful I have something halfway presentable. Though I love the shoes (my niece took one
look at them and asked drily if I was channelling Dorothy, but I ignored her),
I haven’t worn heels for about two decades so I will be at serious risk of
falling over. As you know, I am prone to
falling over at the best of times. In fact, I had another of my ridiculous
falls very recently, this time right outside my front door while I was
attempting to creep up on P (who was unlocking the door with his back to me).
That’ll teach me to be childish! I jarred my side and sprained a couple of
toes, but – much worse – I’ve cracked the screen on my mobile phone which was
in my hand when I fell. Let’s hope that I can avoid falling down the stairs at
the Town Hall – I’ll have to use P and our MC, Dave, to prop me up as I walk.
Now I’m
just going to have to spend my sleepless nights worrying about the various
stupidly time-consuming ideas I have had for place-settings and favour bags…
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