Everyday Tales of A Unsuccessful Writer's Life: Living It Up!

 An MP in York recently complained that stag and hen do’s were ‘devastating’ the city. 

Of course, my mind being what it is, I immediately conjured up mental images of the venerable city looking like downtown Kyiv.

I pictured screaming drunken women dressed in pink tutus and penis shaped deely-boppers, weaving arm-in-arm through the smoking ruins of the Minster; gangs of young men wearing bright pink artificial breasts and glugging cans of Stella while gesturing rudely at passing artisan bakers as they stepped through the now-derelict herbalists and honey shops of the Shambles; naked stockbrokers handcuffed to broken lamp-posts; a single weeping woman wearing an L plate, sitting atop a pile of rubble that was once Betty’s Tearoom. All accompanied by a backdrop of screaming sirens and distant explosions.

 

The last time I visited York was in December just before the Covid pandemic, and then it seemed like its familiar cosy, Christmassy, cheerful, sedate self, reminding me of Harry Potter and Jonathon Strange & Mr Norrell. A colleague of mine, when I lived in Kent, once referred to the city as ‘the Tunbridge Wells of Yorkshire’.  But maybe its popularity as a hen and stag party magnet is in fact ‘devastating’ the historic streets of the city centre, if only in terms of its reputation (I tend to think the word ‘devastation’ is over-used and rather distastefully emotive when set against the genuine devastation of places like Mariupol).  

There is no doubt that our towns and cities are not what they were before Covid. When I last visited Sheffield, for instance, it seemed broken, full of traffic cones, depressed-looking pedestrians, and empty buildings. But, in fairness,  I doubt that hen and stag do’s are the cause of these doldrums.

              I’m not a fan of the traditional, stereotypical stag and hen do myself. I mean, even the names are offensive. Stags represent virility, masculine power and dominance. There is something kingly and mysterious about a stag – it’s fabulous horned head silhouetted mystically through the woodland mists (have you never seen Bambi?). In reality, male deer are mostly famous for fighting off sexual rivals and making a loud grunty mooing noise – so actually stag do’s are quite appropriately named. But why do women’s pre-marital get-togethers have to be called ‘hen’ parties? Hens are famous for comical head-bobbing, an inability to do the quintessential bird-thing that is flying, and being egg-producing machines. They have connotations of fussy grandmothers (Old Mother Hen) and nagging wives (‘henpecked husbands’). Why aren’t women’s pre-nuptial gatherings named after animals famous for their matriarchies? Women should have lioness parties or meerkat do’s. They could dress up as powerful women - Joan of Arc, Boudicca, Buffy The Vampire Slayer – instead of in little-girl pink.

Yes, I know. Stag and hen do’s are not like this nowadays. Young people have informed me of this on numerous occasions. These days, I’m told, people celebrating the upcoming marriage of their friends tend to go out for a nice meal, or a weekend wandering round museums and art galleries, soaking up the cultural magnificence of famous cities or lounging in a spa hotel sipping cucumber water. Over-consumption of alcohol isn’t a major feature apparently, and many even eschew the traditional strippagram. They’re often not gender-segregated either. The stories about stag-do’s ruining the rep of British tourists abroad in cities like Prague and Dublin are overblown, apparently – propaganda to blame our national woes on a tiny minority of mindless yobs. The gangs of gobby girls in short skirts, low-cut tops and high heels, bottles of bud in hand, pub-crawling their way through our city streets are a thing of the past.

But I don’t think that MP in York was complaining about the sort of hen or stag do that visits the latest exhibition at the V & A followed by a meal in Pizza Express and an evening watching the new production of Oklahoma at the Young Vic. I think Rachael Maskell, Labour MP for York Central, was referring to groups who rent airbnbs, use them as party hubs, and go on benders in the city centre. So she’s either misinformed, or the traditional pre-wedding night of debauchery is still going strong.

              That kind of hen or stag do has never appealed to me. I went on a few hen-do’s in my youth, but I can’t remember ever enjoying one. I got the impression that most of the women there got drunk mainly so they could tolerate the inane artificial-jollity of the whole event. It’s a weird idea, in this day and age, that women should go out en masse to make fun of men, tease and terrify the bride-to-be with crass sexual comedy (ignoring the fact that few brides in western society are virgins these days, and marriage consists of far more than having a convenient sexual partner), scream and cackle at ear-splitting volume, and get so drunk they can barely walk. Or, now I come to think of the women I know, maybe it’s not so weird…

              My view is, if that’s what people – men or women – want to do, then why not? God knows, people need to be let off the leash sometimes, particularly when they’re young, and particularly after two years of Covid. We all need to act like idiots now and then. As long as they don’t hurt themselves or others, damage property, or invite me, I don’t have any serious objection.

              If you’re an MP receiving lots of complaints about such parties destroying the reputation of your city, however, I can understand your feeling that you need to try to do something about it. Only I’m not sure what you can do. Hen and stag parties presumably bring in lots of dosh for the beleaguered hospitality sector (though presumably they also cost a lot in damage-repair, and cost the emergency services time and money dealing with drink-related accidents and violence). You can try to promote more family-friendly activities – rides for the kids, international street markets (or has Brexit buggered these up?), street entertainers, carnivals, festivals, free parking, pedestrianized squares, street art – but these things tend to happen at different times from the times the hen and stag parties get going, so they aren’t an alternative.

              What do you think? Are hen and stag do’s a blight on our great cities and towns, or are they merely a harmless letting off of steam? And what, if anything, can our towns and cities do to lessen their negative impact on the lives of locals?